Security Blanket

I somehow managed to 'forget' to buy cigarettes yesterday. I stopped off on the way to work to pay some bills and pick up a couple of things and thought "I'll do the other things first and buy smokes last", then on the way out I thought "I won't need a ciggie at work, so I'll stop off at the servo on the way home and get some". I needed a loaf of bread on the way home and started thinking "Do I really want to pay $4 for bread at the servo?" and I had no cash on me so I came to the conclusion I didn't want to use a card to buy bread and a packet of cigarettes. By the time I'd finished thinking all that, I found I'd walked right past the servo anyway.

(Disambiguation: I work night-shift so I usually sleep during the day. I talk about "last night at work", but to both save and add to the confusion when I talk about dreaming I refer to sleeping 'last night' although it was actually daytime. It's the night to me... my clock is shifted 12 hours to accomodate the 6pm start time for work).

It was interesting to notice the effect of not having the 'security blanket' of cigarettes in my possession, whether I intended to smoke them or not. Right from the time I arrived at work I thought about smoking more, and had the impulse to reach for a cigarette more often. I didn't want the nicotine of course, I pined for the taste of smoke. I didn't chew more gum, my daily use of it is slowly declining quite naturally and of it's own accord, but this morning waking up with no cigarettes in the house I find I've been through four or five pieces already.

The last couple of nights I've been dreaming more again (although not lucidly). I've been trying to fall asleep lying on my back without success, there always seems to be some little itch to scratch which requires me to break the relaxation of a limb, so after half an hour or so I roll over and my mind goes to sleep quite quickly. This morning however I woke up lying on my back, so the suggestive power of thinking and blogging about sleep seems to have had the effect of my sleeping brain choosing this position during the night.

I wonder if I'll decide to buy cigarettes today? I've been tampering with my habit for about 3 weeks now, but I'm trying to avoid marking the time. I'd rather use 'health and wellbeing' as a measure of success than chronology as this is an easier game to win - a single cigarette resets the clock and denotes a loss, when the game must be abandoned and started all over again.